We've Gotta Talk, Y'all

Over the past month or so there have been some terrible news stories concerning issues between the races. We've had the Jena Six episode in Louisiana, the kidnapping and torture episode in West Virginia, the episode of a deaf child who had racial epithets and swastikas written on his body in Washington state, and many others that would bog me down if I wanted to write them all down.

In the midst of this, on a blog site where I have a personal blog, someone posted a story about this idiot who was feeding live cats to his pit bulls. Now, I had been posting stories about a couple of the above, and received no comments on them, which is normal, but this story about the cat and dogs got a bunch of responses. This irked me a little bit, so I went on there and I said that, as terrible a story as it was, how interesting it seemed to me that stories about animals get way more press and commentary than stories that involve minorities in America, and how, in general, I thought bad things that happened to people deserved more commentary because, after all, we're all people.

At that point, the person who wrote the original comment wrote back, saying that, in his opinion, the killing of animals in any fashion was equal to the murdering of Jews by the Nazis or the hanging of blacks by the KKK in the past, because killing was killing. I was stunned by this response, and I wrote back that, were he either Jewish or black, he'd be ashamed for making such a statement. After a little conversation back and forth, he understood why I was bothered by his statement, said he didn't mean it to come out in that fashion, and we were fine with everything from that point on. However, someone else wrote in and said that it's incidences like this which keep people from commenting on anything that has to do with race, because they're scared of saying the wrong thing.

I found that statement both interesting and true at the same time. I have to admit that, sometimes, I have a knee jerk reaction when I hear someone make a statement that's somewhat racist, sexist, or homophobic in nature. It's stunning how, when one isn't something, that they feel they're in the right when they say something negative about someone else as either a stereotype or generalization. I was on a flight last week and was having a conversation with the nicest woman, who is a minister along with her husband and, for years, served in the Salvation Army in her younger days. She happened to mention a car accident she'd been in where the other driver was an Asian woman, and how mad she was when she learned who was driving because she'd always heard that Asians in general were bad drivers. It caught me off guard because the comment came from left field, from a totally unexpected source; that's what comments like that can do to you.

Bill O'Reilly, a national television host, went to a black restaurant a couple of weeks ago, and later commented that he was surprised that people were dressed so nicely and behaved so well. Then, later on, he said his comments were misconstrued and people were out to get him. He really didn't understand why some folks would take his comments negatively, and probably still doesn't. That type of thing is a left handed compliment, kind of like when I've heard, at times, the statement "You're not like other black people I've met", or "I don't think of you as black." Often we know the spirit the comment was made in, but in no way does the majority of folks take it as a compliment, though they may not say anything. I've also been hearing the comments about how well Barak Obama and Condoleeza Rice speak; that ain't a compliment either, y'all.

Still, it brings us back to this interesting point on why some folks are scared to comment on race, and this is a tough one to get my arms around. After all, it's fairly well acknowledged that almost every person in America who does anything with diversity believes that the only way people can get over their prejudices or preconceived notions is to have an open dialogue about things to get them all out in the open. However, there are dichotomous thoughts that get in the way. On the one side is "They're so sensitive to almost everything I say", and on the other is "Because they keep saying these stupid things!"

We can't continue on this type of road because nothing gets done in the long run. True, it's hard to overcome, but we have to all try to get beyond these conversations that keep us apart and, at the very least, figure out why the other side may not appreciate certain comments or words being used. This isn't only a rant against the majority, though; minorities are just as eager to jump on the bandwagon and malign the majority with certain phrases and beliefs as well.

Here are some steps I feel we all must take, and try to get others to take, to at least start moving in the right direction as it pertains to race, sex, or religion:

1. Think about it before you say it. I've never cussed in my life, not because I might not have wanted to, but because I've always thought about it before I've ever said it. Over 20 years ago I stopped using a particular word that's viewed as negative towards homosexuals, not because anyone told me, but I started thinking about it and realized that it probably wasn't a good word. And I never refer to a group of women as "the girls", even if they refer to themselves that way. These are all conscious things that I do because I know they can be taken negatively by someone, and I don't want to offend or make anyone uncomfortable.

2. React with a feather and not a club. If you hear something negative about your race, sex, or religion, or something else, instead of reacting by snapping at someone try to tell that person in a nicer way why you may not have liked a certain thing they said, or how something they said could be perceived incorrectly. For instance, to the phrase I used above, "I don't think of you as black", I always ask "Why not?" Something that simple will get someone thinking about what they say more than turning on them with anger.

3. If you're not sure what to say, ask. Many black people go by the term "African-American"; I don't. Some older ones still like "colored; I don't. The first term I'll leave alone; the second one I won't. Still, each person basically decides for themselves how they want to be referred to, if such an appellation has to be made. Is it Latinos or Hispanics? Is it girls, women, or ladies? Is it Ms. or Miss or Mrs.? Is it homosexual or gay?

4. Even with caution, you won't always get it right, so don't beat yourself up over it, but don't avoid it either. At a presentation I was giving, every once in awhile I would use the term "ladies", and at some point, one woman in the audience said that my use of the term "ladies" was as if I were putting women up on a pedestal. In my mind, I couldn't see how, if she interpreted it in that fashion, that it could be a negative thing, but it was something that she didn't like so I didn't use the term for the rest of the presentation. On another front, many sales or customer service trainers these days will tell you that customers like when you use their first name in addressing them, but this isn't always true, especially for many older people who feel you're not treating them with respect if they haven't specifically given you permission to do so. It doesn't hurt to learn the lesson, but it will stick in your craw if you dwell on it and let it fester.

Overall, it's much better to have the conversations and have the opportunity to move forward than it is to stay silent for fear of saying the wrong thing. It's the only way we'll all learn how to work and live with each other in the long run.