Many Things Don’t Need Forgiveness
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Oct 20, 2015
There's something I say often that's not quite true. Yup, you're hearing it from me, the guy who says that truth and honesty is one of my top moral disciplines. In this case it's not a bad thing though; in actuality, it's a bit of a clarification of a position of mine.
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I'm often saying that I don't do a lot of forgiving; I don't offer forgiveness towards those who have wronged me, or have perpetrated bad behavior that's inexcusable, whether it's towards me or not. Overall, that's a pretty true statement; no lie so far.
Where the "lie" comes into play is that, whereas I don't forgive egregious behavior, or a violation of my own principles, I'm actually a pretty easy going person who, in normal circumstances, will give people a lot of chances to get things right. I don't know that many people who, in work situations or many personal situations, gives others more chances than me. As a matter of fact, my wife is always telling me I'm too nice; point of fact.
There are a few things I don't excuse though. If someone is intentionally racist or hateful and I feel they should know better, I'll probably cut them off and never deal with them again. As for forgiveness; nope, not happening.
If someone is proven to be a child molester, nope, no forgiveness there either. Sorry Jared, sorry Gary Glitter, no redemption for either of you, or others who've been where you are or are you to come.
This subject came up in a discussion on Sunday with a friend of mine. She was talking about a singer whose name I'm not going to mention, but who most people know assaulted another singer some years ago, doing significant damage to her. His excuse later was that's what he grew up around and that it was a freak moment, and that he'd never do anything like that again.
At the time he said the right things and said he was going to do what was necessary, accept his punishment, and work to never be someone who couldn't be trusted again. I'll admit I was doubtful because, though I don't know the percentage, it's acknowledged that more often than not, when a person is used to abusing someone they'll probably do it again, either towards the same person or someone else.
In this case I'd have to say he hasn't abused any other woman as far as I know and that's something positive. However, he's always popping up in the news for other bad behavior. He was given a major chance to become a positive force for change and redemption; instead, he's got a track record that keeps building up, to the point that there are countries who won't allow him in; that's pretty hard stuff.
In my mind it doesn't matter how many albums this guy puts out, or how much the younger people might be willing to let him off the hook time and time again. I'm just not interested; luckily, I'm not in his demographic so he won't care. He doesn't need my forgiveness or money to be a success; life is good.
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The work world is a little different though. Every day, in every business in the world, someone makes a mistake that someone else thinks is critical. Sometimes they're right in thinking those mistakes are critical; sometimes they're not. Those types of things need to be evaluated to determine how bad they might be. At the same time, the evaluation has consider whether a type of forgiveness can be given or not.
I specially used "type" because I don't consider overlooking a mistake as being anything that needs to be forgiven. For that matter, in many cases people can make a lot of mistakes and it's just that, a mistake.
However, as with everything else, sometimes certain mistakes that happen over and over need to be addressed; that's what management is about. If an employee is always 15 minutes late and it's critical for that person to be on time based on what they do, you can only allow it to happen so many times before you probably have to let the person go. It comes down to making sure that everyone in the department is held to the same standard so you don't have anarchy, as well as a reflection of what kind of leader you are.
There are some violations that can't be forgiven even after just one time. Physical or verbal assault on a customer, theft... as a manager you can't ever allow a person to have another chance at harming the company, no matter what they say. You can't make excuses for those folks, no matter their circumstances; that's just how it is.
For a lot of us, it's in our nature to want to believe that every person we meet is good, and every person we work with is dedicated. When we think we've gone above and beyond with training, motivating, counseling, and complimenting, we tend to believe that all will be perfect.
But it won't be. So in that moment when you realize that a person has failed you, failed the company or failed themselves while you're paying them... you have to be ready to make a decision. It shouldn't be a personal decision; it should be for the good of the company, the department, and you as the leader.
In that moment there is no forgiveness to give; it's the job and the duty of the person in charge. If you've given chances on those things that could be corrected, you've done your job. If you've taken swift action on those things that can't be corrected, you've done your job.
That's all that matters.
Do you really spend that much time harboring contempt, resentment, anger?
Forgiveness is about letting go of all that. It’s not about giving the person a chance to hurt you, or others, or your company, a second time. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily live in the Land of Infinite Second Chances. It is simply letting go of all the negative, hurtful, vengeful thoughts towards someone who has wronged us or others. How we deal with them in the future has nothing to do with that. We can forgive without automatically bestowing trust. We can forgive without turning dislike into like. Forgiveness is a letting go of hatred and a wish that all the bad things will befall the other person because of their transgressions. It may simply be a matter, too, of kicking them out of our thoughts – of not “giving our enemy free rent on space in our heads.” It may be little more than a release on any significance that person still has for us.
Second chances are a different matter. Second chances are faith in the notion that people can grow, change, be rehabilitated, make restitution, and maybe reach their full, positive potential. It’s a leap of faith and/or love. It’s trust that if someone is shown mercy, in addition to forgiveness, they won’t squander it and commit the same transgression twice.
None of us are perfect people; some of us are more flawed than others. Your “unforgivable sin” may not even show up on my list; mine may not make an appearance on yours. Better to live by the Golden Rule than the rigid one that says, “Never forgive.” Forgive, but don’t forget. Be compassionate, but not foolish. Trust, but don’t gamble more than you can afford to lose.
My mom once pointed out that people tend to live up to your best expectations or down to your worst. She’s right. This is the simple reason I expect a great deal from others. I have faith in their better natures, until proven wrong. But I have SOME compassion, too, for their mistakes. I make enough of my own.
No, not that much time, which is why I don’t believe forgiveness needs to be forgiven all that often. In many cases, it’s not my place to have to forgive anyone. When it is, I choose to remember it so it doesn’t happen again.
See, not being religious, I don’t believe in the generalness of forgiveness; ain’t happening if what’s been done is egregious enough for me to have emotionally reacted to it. I tend to believe that when people say they’ve forgiven something that they really haven’t, and that the feelings they have most of the time end up being the same feelings I have for someone after a long period of time; they just call it something different.
As for the Golden Rule, I believe I’m following that, since it’s something I say and do all the time. However, if someone has disregarded that position when it comes to me… I’m never forgetting it, and if I can’t forget then I can’t forgive. I’d say I sleep well at night with this position but since I don’t sleep well anyway… 🙂
Hey Mitch,
Great post and I too am a believer in truth and honesty. I went through my stage of being a dam good fibber but now my drug is truth. And in saying that it is not always easy or comfortable.
Forgiveness can be tricky for us all. I am more a judge and jury kind of person at behaviour aimed at me. When I let someone go – I generally get over it naturally in the future and I am glad because not forgiving means I am holding on to some strong emotions.
As for the Glitters and people who harm children and physical violence (a man raising his arms at a woman) – I am horrified and dismayed but I don’t take it on. I have no control over it. Will I voice my opinions – absolutely, will I be enraged – to the extent where I can physically exhaust myself, but I have to let it go.
When it comes to the work place or a professional face, I attempt to steer away from emotional decision making, it just not have a place on a leadership level. Here are the rules, when you are late, you let your team down. The first couple of times it will be noted and hope you get your act together because you are misrepresenting yourself and your team is impacted. After that you get your first warning, second one in writing and third will be your marching orders.
Forget the anarchy, you have a team of people having to cover your back side and that is not professional.
Anyway I could go on, I enjoy these topics. Thanks Mitch.
Rachel.
Great comment Rachel. I like to think there’s a difference between letting things go and forgiveness. There’s a lot of things I’ll let go; I’m pretty good at that one. But if someone does something that I find, well, unforgivable, then I can’t forgive them for that behavior; it’s just not in me. If it’s directed towards me… well, at that point all bets are off.
I will say this though. Work is work and, for the most part, I don’t allow myself to be put into a position where either the word or concept of forgiveness should ever come into play. If leaders can train themselves to be pretty good evaluators of others, things are usually fine because you know who can be trusted and who needs to be watched more carefully. I’ve only had it happen once in my professional life, and I didn’t forgive them because it changed my life at the time for the worst. However, karma ended up getting all of them in the end; that’s the way things often end up going. And I moved on. 🙂