How Do You Deal With Phonies?
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Jul 19, 2010
There's a place my wife and I go to all the time for dinner. I love the food, and I love the general atmosphere. What I don't like, rather who, is the guy at the cash register. I haven't felt comfortable with him since the first time I went there. I'm good with everyone else, but this is a place where you order your food, then they call you back to get it, so you have to deal with him.
Finally, after a couple of years, I mentioned it to my wife. I'm usually a very good judge of character, but I was troubled by this guy. He wasn't ever nasty, but there was just something about him that was off-putting. My wife immediately nailed it for me; the guy is phony. As soon as she said it I knew it to be true; that she said it showed that she had noticed it also, and was as uncomfortable with the guy as I had been.
How can you tell phonies? They seem to be going through the motions without really meaning anything they say that might be nice. This cashier, for instance, always has one of those forced smiles that looks like he's exerting a lot of effort to put on. He sometimes has this condescending way of confirming your order, and the few times I forget they don't take American Express, he seems to revel in telling me they don't accept it; it actually seems like he's bearing his teeth when he says it.
Once she put it into my mind, I realized that there are quite a few people I've met, and still know, who are phonies. They just seem emotionless, as if every word is calculated; like reading from a script. I almost hesitate to say that because I've had people begin talking to me on the phone and you know it's from a script, yet they can sound pretty convincing.
Here's the general question; how do you deal with phonies, whether you're in the workplace or in your personal life? I think back to when I was an every day employee and knew that some people were phonies, even if I hadn't attributed a word to it. Luckily, when you're in a management position you can handle those people if they report to you, or even if they're co-workers. But what if you reported to a phony, or, as a manager, you have to act like you really care or are really trying to help your employees when even they know you're acting?
I deal with phonies usually by being either humorous or ignoring them. I have to admit that it depends on my mood and the situation. The cashier is a necessary evil to get food I love, so I tolerate him. The cashier at McDonalds who never says "hello" or "thank you" has her issues as well, so I just ignore her and glory for the days when someone else is working so I can be my normal, charming self. In work situations, I go through with business because the job is the job, and goal is getting things done, and I don't care as much about personalities in those situations.
Unfortunately I'm not an acting coach. I can't teach you how not to be a phony. I can say, however, that if you know you really don't care about your employees then you shouldn't be in management because you don't have the capability to be a good leader. Leaders care and know how to communicate. Managers can learn how to do both, but only if they care to change. Phonies usually don't care to change; they might not even know their being phony.
Do you know any phonies?
Ugh…doesn’t everyone know that people can spot a phony a mile away. I feel that everyone should find a way to relate to people that is genuine. Most well-rounded people should have varied enough interests and experience to connect with others authentically, right? I know a lot of insincere folks and I just take them with a grain of salt.
It’s an interesting thing when you encounter it, Rachel. Sometimes you don’t want to deal with them, and other times you know you have to deal with them and you do it and move on. Tonight my wife asked me if I wanted to go there to get food, and I decided I didn’t want to bother with it, which means I’m now deciding this restaurant doesn’t deserve my money, even if their food is great, because of the first person I encounter. That will kill the best of businesses in an instant.
Man, I could write I book on this topic (maybe I should). I find the easiest course of action is to do nothing and ignore them. The best thing you can do, if possible, is put as much distance between yourself and the phony as you can. Life is too short to deal with phonies.
Good thoughts, Joanne, and most of the time you can do just that sort of thing.
Oh..they are easy to spot, but you said it right when it is all about caring. If you do not care, you might end up as a phony. It is sad, because this is people that work at the wrong place, they do not believe what the company believe and they try to fit in, hiding behind a mask and are really just unhappy people in the wrong place. What does this say about their leaders communication and people skills? The leader has not managed to sell their vision and they have not managed to motivate their employees. In some cases you might need to help people finding their passion, either within your company or with someone else. Behind the phony face there is a human in need of help to find their passion, thats all. You might even like him if you manage to see behind the mask.
Hi Frode, and welcome to the discussion. Just so you know, with this guy it’s been at least 3 years, and if you knew me, you’d know that I’m the kind of guy who engages everyone when I go out to dinner. It always pays to have the people bringing your food in your corner. So, it’s not that I haven’t tried, and in this instance, it’s more management’s responsibility than mine to deal with it at this juncture. As I said, all the other people are fine with me and my wife (he treats her the same way when I’m not with her). Truthfully, a part of it reminds me of Steve Martin in the Muppet Movie, if you remember that part. lol
When I first met a phony,I was really confused to how to deal or talk with her.I could not talk at that time but after that I just understood easily.I prefer to ignore that girl otherwise I could not be comfortable.I wonder that how can a person can be a phony.
I know a lot of phonies. Cashiers who happen not to show their smile and spill you that script are likely to be reprimanded by their managers or supervisors. Just like in the call center, you get that same opening, closing and whatever lines they have having that upbeat tone yet you can tell that they are only doing their job. Good thing it’s only through phone. Still, dealing with phonies most especially being the manager can really be a problem. People can tell whether there is really care or just doing some job.
Absolutely Nathan. I understand that sometimes you’re not having a good day and have to fake it, but other times you can just tell when someone really could care less.
Social media is loaded with them. I see and communicate with people all the time who claim to be experts and consultants in the field. In all reality they are just trying to make some easy money. It’s really unfortunate and it just goes to show that our society hasn’t yet nailed how to plug people into what they will excel at (i.e. not be a phonie in). Great post Mitch. Keep up the good work!
Thanks Steve. I never claim to be an expert, but I do claim to be a specialist in a few things. I don’t think anyone really ever knows it all about anything unless they created it, and even then, they probably need a refresher from time to time. There are some smart people out there who only need the opportunity to show what they can do, and some shysters who have the skills to get clients but don’t deliver what’s been promised. We can always hope for the best in every situation, right?
Hi Mitch,
It seems awkward to put on a front. I admit that I have to do that at times. I have a friend/coworker who annoys me to no end – how I wish she could be a phony! She seems to be what she is, you can take her a face value; there is no hiding. No mask. What you see is what you get. Therefore, I have to be phony (to an extent). I smile and try to get away from her as quickly as possible. You see, I don’t want to smile. I don’t want to hear what she has to say – not everything she has to say. As I mentioned, she is also a friend but not a close enough friend to tell her how much she bugs me. This may be too deep of a subject to condense into a comment.
I just wanted to point out even though I can spot a phony, I also find myself being one. 🙁 That makes me so uncomfortable because while I’m trying to avoid confrontation, I’m not being true to who really matters here. 😉
I digress, I believe we have the upper hand when we’re able to discern what one may think they’ve done at great job at hiding.
I just shared this post with my daughter and she is asking where do you draw the line between cordial and phoniness? It came up because I was taking a picture of my four-month-old grand-baby who wouldn’t smile for me. I kept smiling at her so she would respond, her mother said, “She knows you’re being phony.”
Here’s where you draw the line. You’re cordial if you still make people feel welcome. We meet new people all the time, and I’m always open and cordial to everyone I meet, no matter where I am. I tend to believe we all can feel “phony” when it’s coming our way.
By the way, I believe babies know when they’re being put on as well. I have a great relationship with all babies; my wife said if we could bottle up what I have we’d be billionaires.
Here’s the difference, Kissie. You’re a reactionary phony. You’re not meeting people you don’t know and being phony. There are times when we all have to react in a certain way because of some stupid reason; it’s life. My wife has a friend or two here and there that I’m not crazy about, but they’re her friends and that’s that. By the way, it works in reverse as well. 🙂
With a true phony, you didn’t do anything to provoke the phoniness. It’s not really about you; it’s about that person and their perception of others, or of themselves. For me, the guy at the restaurant doesn’t know me or anyone else that comes into the restaurant, and the way he talks to people makes it seem as though he could care less about any of us. The woman at McDonalds is the same way; no smile, not even a “thank you”, and most of the time she doesn’t look at you either, just at your hand so she doesn’t drop the money. True, we know those telemarketers are being phony when they call us on the phone, but we also know they’re reading from a script so we don’t take it personally (we are irritated that they called in the first place, though).
Gotcha. 🙂
Hello,
This is Alex from California. Good post. The tip about letting things roll off your shoulder works.
We all like being around people, not too much that is. Guess what me too. But it’s people where things are natural.
This is more difficult, though, for phonies who stealthily just come up behind you and talk so there’s no escaping them.
They insist and will ask ten other people. They don’t want a response, they want a “positive” response.
It happens any time you’re busy but when you’re “free” they DON’T do it…
People think that walking up behind and standing very close to you is “reconciling” but to me in any public place, work or life, it’s unprofessional.
Regards,
Alex
How do you deal with this kind of overbearing, repetitive, fake person?
And we all
Thanks Alex, though it looks like you still had more to say lol Truthfully, I try not to have to deal with phonies as much as possible. I’ve been lucky to have run into few phonies in working conditions, but when I do I treat them as I do everyone else; I just don’t trust them. So I might withhold certain information that they might decide to use for a different purpose, only giving the essentials. I tend to be pretty cautious anyway so this works for me.