Work Friends Aren’t Often Friends At All
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Nov 16, 2010
There's an interesting misconception that I see occurring all the time. I try to warn people against it, but no one ever really listens, and then on the back end I see people with hurt feelings and confusion.
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I'm talking about people you work with and determine that they're your friends. There's nothing saying that two people working together might not be friends at some point, but the reality is that most people accept someone they work with as their friend without making them pass what I call the "friends" test. Actually, many people don't even have a friends test, which is probably why many people end up being disappointed by their so-called friends.
The workplace is a unique environment. You spend 8 to 10 hours a day with a group of people, sharing ideas and conversation, and often that's double the time you get to spend with your family. That's what weekends are supposed to be for, to remind you of the people who are supposed to mean the most to you, but I digress.
When you spend a lot of time with people, you sometimes feel a camaraderie with them that feels a lot like friendship. What happens is people tend to let their guard down and reveal things to these people as if they're friends, feeling they can trust them implicitly. That's when things start to fail.
Most people are out for themselves; that's just human nature. When you reveal personal things about yourself, there's this pull that says "wow, who can I tell about this?" Next thing you know, they're telling someone they "trust", whose then going to tell someone they trust, and soon you realize that everyone knows your personal business, even though you only told your "friend".
Now you're angry and upset, but what can you do? You're the one who told this person the information. You're the one who didn't make them pass the friends test. You won't own up to it being your fault to begin with, but it is.
The same goes for talking about work and job issues. Just because you work with someone, and just because they might seem to agree with you, doesn't make them a friend or even trustworthy. Tell them an idea you have to make things easier and they might tell someone else and present it as their idea. Complain about a policy and they might tell a supervisor that you're causing trouble. Mention that you called in sick one time when you weren't sick and they might rat you out.
I have to say that I've never worked anywhere where I went out to see if I could make friends. Be friendly yes, but to actually become friends with anyone, never. I always felt it was the smarter move to establish who I was and what I expected from others before anything else occurred. I have made work friends, but very few over the years. I knew my agenda was much different than other people's agendas, and thus I never wanted to engage in anything with anyone who I didn't feel had my best interest at heart, and that was always the work.
But when it was possible, I had my specific friends test, and if that person passed my test we were good. And that's the thing; everyone has to figure out what their friends test will be, then stick with it as an evaluation tool. I have some loyal and long term friends because of that test. It hasn't failed me often, which is why I know it works. If you're looking to be a leader or a manager it's crucial that you have something like this to refer to. You can't take too many chances of naming people as friends who might be working against you in some fashion.
Always evaluate everyone on two things; competence and merit. You'll usually have all the answers you need by doing that.
That’s a very difficult issue indeed. It is very common for people to automatically assume work peers = friends. My personal experience tells me it can be true, but that’s thanks to the particular nature of my workplace and we all came together in first place.
In the vast majority of situations though, it’s always much more indicated to be very careful when deciding to treat work peers as friends. Being disappointed by them is a realistic outcome and sometimes (like in the cases you mentioned) it can bring really nasty problems.
That’s why I’ve always initially kept my distance, Gebriele. Friendly, but I’ve always waited and tested people before I decided to move them to the inner sanctum.
Not a very easy thing to do considering the fact that we humans are at our very core social animals. However, it’s quite true that not everyone who we work with can or should end up as friends. In my own opinion, friendship is built on shared values, so a good way to know if you can be friends with someone you work with is to ask yourself this; “what exactly do we share in common?” Put another way; “Does he value what I value?”
This forms the foundation of any discussions and will help you know what to share and what to hide.
Great Post Mitch. Thanks for dropping by my blog. It felt great 🙂
Thanks for your words, Tito, and I loved your post as well. Value system is a great way to evaluate whether someone deserves to be your friend from work, and I see so many people throwing it out, then being confused later on when someone does something against them in some fashion.
I’ve always found a workplace to be the sort of place where gossip can spread like wild fire. It’s that knowledge that kept me from revealing to others stuff of a personal nature.
I reckon a lot of that also has to do with something my dad used to tell me a whole lot; ‘To trust is good, but not to trust is better’ and he would support the argument with a whole lot of stories.
That’s good stuff, Sire. My dad always told me that I should view everyone, especially people I reported to, as the enemy until I had a chance to evaluate them. I thought it was pretty strong at the time, but in retrospect it’s a military way of seeing things, and it makes some sense in the long run.
Yeah, strange how a lot of the stuff our folks used to tell us didn’t make much sense at the time but now it does.
Once a co-worker wanted me to give him information I was told to not give him (by our boss). He actually said to me ‘if you were my friend you would let me see it’. I quickly replied with ‘if you were my friend you wouldn’t ask’. He didn’t speak to me for about a week, but we had an understanding after that.
I’ve also been bit in the butt too many times by co-workers posing as ‘friends’. I know better than to believe they are my friends, but do try to form relationships as best I can under the circumstances.
Anne, that’s really the best one can do. We need to work with other people, but we don’t have to ultimately be friends, and we always have to protect ourselves first. Love your honesty in how you dealt with that issue.
Can you share what your friend’s test is? You’re right, work environment is a very competitive one, and you have to double check before you name someone your friend. I don’t make friends with anyone I work with, now I learned this lesson. Once you start treating person as your friend, expecially the ones that work for you, you cannot manage them efficiently because of “benefit of friendship”, the game becomes unfair, they know it and use it.
And in general, you cannot have lots of friends, I think everyone has only very few true friends, the one one can count on and share all personal information with.
Carla, the test is to mention something to someone that’s false yet personal, then see where it goes. It can be something you say you did in your life or it can be about a peer that you know is fake (of course you have to let them know about the test) or something along those lines, something that you know you only told one person because you made it up.
As for the other, I’d rather say it’s rare to have lots of friends, because I’ve met some people who everyone just seems to like and thus, lots of friends, although how much you’d trust them all is another matter.