Being Supportive Isn’t Accepting Negative Behavior
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Nov 22, 2010
Over the past couple of weeks, I've had a couple of close acquaintances that have gone through some tough things publicly. One was convicted of a crime that he owned up to, while another has been accused of a crime that will go through the legal process and we'll see how it all plays out.
I've often talked about the top 3 qualities I value above all else: loyalty, trustworthiness and honesty. Loyalty is at the top of the list for a reason. To me, loyalty shows more than anything else the type of person you are. Will you bail on someone at a moment's notice when things are tough, or will you wait to see what the outcome of something is? Do you evaluate a person based on your own standards or what someone else has to say about them?
What one usually finds is that if someone does something wrong, there's usually extenuating circumstances behind it. Many years ago when I was still a regular employee, I hired someone who, it turns out, had been convicted of a felony involving money. Her son had a critical disease and she was using money that wasn't hers to help pay for his medical care. She got caught, served whatever the punishment was, and was back out looking for something else.
In my instance, she passed the initial review by HR and the interview with my supervisor, so it was my turn. She was open about everything she'd done and was looking for another opportunity. We talked for about 45 minutes, and it was a much different interview than I would normally do. I didn't ask anything I wasn't allowed to ask, but I did want to get a sense of who this person was. I liked who I felt she was, so I hired her.
A few days later, stuff started to hit the fan. She hasn't lied on her application, yet it seems HR suddenly had a problem with hiring this person. Everything ended up coming back on me and my supervisor. Because the final word was mine, I said we were going to hire her and that was that. I did move her to a different position than the one I was going to put her in, acquiescing to that particular concern because it did make some sense. But I hired her anyway, and within a few months she was proving her worth as a valuable employee.
I was loyal to her, and that was someone I'd just met. Why would I treat someone I knew longer and better than that any differently because of an accusation? Now, I'm not going to lie; it would depend on what the accusations were at the same time, and what the "alleged proof" was that they had on someone. Murder, abuse, something along those lines, well, that would test loyalty to the extreme. After all, your hope would be that if you saw someone enough that a part of you would rub off on them so they wouldn't commit anything of that sort. But we never really know everyone, do we?
On my one colleague who's going to prison for awhile, another friend wrote something supporting his friend, saying he was a good person who had a bad thing occur. Someone else responded with "How could you say that? A person is dead because of what he did; I hope he rots in jail." His friend responded "I don't like what happened but I know my friend and he's got a good heart overall." I responded that he was a good guy who had a terrible thing happen to him, he owned up to it, and that's that.
How willing are you to support your friends without saying you agree with their bad behavior? It's a thin line to follow; are you up to it?
I agree with you on this matter. If you know personal long enough, you cannot turn your back on them just because of the accusations. First, you don’t know if they were really true, and second, the circumstances of the case. The one who did stealing or any other felony might have regretted this and made conclusions to be a better person, and if their friends turn their backs on them, it’s not something that inspires you for change.
Great perspective, Christine. You just never know what’s going on until you check it out. And, as I said, there are those times when you really have to evaluate whether the act is enough to decide you need to step away or not.
Hi Mitch
I have been loyal to many friends over the years. Some have turned out okay others have been disloyal and hurt me a lot. But I only have to be concerned how I treat people; not how they treat me. Trying to be more discerning as I have gotten older.
Still, we all do things we regret. Some have to live with those things all their lives and it is hard if they are trying to change if no-one will give them a chance. Good on you Mitch for being kind to that lady. It is so easy to judge others isn’t it??!!
Patricia Perth Australia
Sure is, Pat, and though I feel I am quite the judgmental person, I’m also drastically fair and like to evaluate all the circumstances before making my decisions. I can honestly say I’ve had few friends be disloyal to me in my life because I don’t let many people get close enough to me without proving themselves.
I’ve never found myself in such a situation, but in the past I have shown a certain attitude to understand the general “soul” of a person. I don’t like to believe things “as is”, I always prefer to know situations first-hand. I’d like to ask my friend, personally, what really happened, and I am confident I’d know if he’s really done something horrible or it’s all been part of a terrible incident.
One thing I really can’t forgive is a lie, under any circumstance. If I show will to give a chance to someone who is going through a bad situation, I demand the honest truth in return. Am I asking too much?
Not at all Gabriele. If you’re there to support someone and they outright lie to you, then where was their loyalty to you? They didn’t trust you enough to tell you the truth, and put you in a terrible spot. Now, if they just said they’d rather not talk about it, at least that’s an honest statement.
I think we’re all happy that these types of situations aren’t typical daily occurrences; I know I am.
Mitch, it’s amazing how I just read an article like this, take a look and I hope you’ll like it (if you haven’t found it already).
That was a pretty good story, Gabriele. It’s amazing how many good things can happen in a world where we only hear about bad things on the news.
Those are 3 qualities I expect also Mitch and if you they seem to go hand in hand with each other. I also believe you CAN support someone without accepting negative behavior. We all, every single one of us, has made some sort of mistake in our life. I always say that I don’t think anyone is better than you, they just might make better decisions/choices than you. There are some people with great hearts that have done something illegal/immoral whether it’s cheat on a spouse, steal money, etc. and until we know fully what the circumstances were, then we can’t just label the an adulterer or thief for life. I think anyone who is remorseful and asks for forgiveness should be granted a second chance. Then of course if they do things to violate that trust we put into them, they can go back into that pile. Of course there are some people who are downright evil and whew! I don’t know what to say about them. I think they have they own day of judgment like the rest of us.
Karen, I don’t believe in a judgment day, so to speak, but I do believe that people can get caught up in circumstances that they suddenly can’t control, even if they’ve lived an exemplary life before that. I wouldn’t turn my back on someone unless they did something absolutely heinous, in which case I’d feel they violated my trust. Otherwise, I’ll wait and see what transpires and offer whatever support I can.