Mistaking Kindness For Weakness
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on May 6, 2011
Many years ago when I was in a position of authority I had an employee that just wasn't cutting it. Not only was she not able to keep up with the work but she wasn't even really trying.
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She'd been there before I got there and pretty much felt that she was untouchable, no matter what she did. I met with her 3 times about her performance and behavior, and documented each time I had a counseling session with her. Nothing seemed to get through to her. Then one day, a Thursday, I called her down to human resources and fired her. She just stared at me, but didn't say anything. She knew that we'd had the conversations and that I'd warned her the last time that she only had one more chance, and she'd blown it.
The next day one of my other employees came into the office and said "I always thought you were really nice, but that was kind of a mean thing to do." I said "I did my job. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." And that was that.
Often people think that because some of us are fairly easy going that we're weak and don't know what we're doing. I don't know how many times in my life I've had to dispel that one. I'm not overly intense. I don't berate people for making mistakes. In all the years where I was in a leadership position I lost my temper three times with employees, and in none of those cases did I yell.
In other circumstances, where I had to deal with peers that either didn't perform their jobs, which impacted what I had to do, I would encourage and remind and try to cajole to a certain point. When I knew that nothing I did was going to produce a result, I'd go a much different and direct route. I didn't just go for that day's victory; I went for a permanent reminder of how things had to be. I established precedents because I didn't want those types of things to become the norm. If it impacted my department, which meant cash, which meant it impacted the entire business, I'd have to admit I was kind of ruthless. It was never personal; it was always about the job.
I actually only had to do that sort of thing a few times before word got out that I would "go there". And it was understood that I had been fair, that I had tried to get what was needed through direct means with them, even offering to help most of the time. At work, one can be nice and still work hard in getting the job done, working to the best of their ability, and if need be work with others in trying to help them get the job done.
In any business or relationship, the biggest mistake anyone can make about someone else is underestimating them based on their daily behavior. I have seen the most mild mannered people fly into rages when they feel they've been wronged. I have seen overly talkative and boisterous people clam up when they're asked to stand in front of a lot of people to make a presentation. And obviously I've met a lot of people that have a lot of years in a business yet have no idea how to do their job or what the most important things about their job they need to know better.
Mistaking kindness for weakness is probably what happened in my previous post on respect. No one wants to be taken advantage of over and over, and it's a sign that someone believes you're weak. I don't say this to encourage anyone from being what they are, especially if you're a nice person. I say this to encourage you not to allow anyone to step all over you on a consistent basis, no matter your position or theirs.
Hi Mitch,
Interesting read!
People have mistaken my kindness for weakness. Lately, people have been trying to get over on me and it only takes one time and I cut them lose. The funny thing is these people are much older than I am and should know better. Anyway, I digress. I’m a very easy going person, but when I have had it, I’ll let it be known one way or another.
I’ve also experienced this online in the blogging world. I just learned to stay away from those people and keep it moving.
Take care,
Evelyn
Evelyn, I’m much less trusting of people I don’t know, which sometimes makes it harder to pull the trigger. I don’t have tons of people trying to take advantage of me, but it obviously happens from time to time. At my age, though, you’d think it would happen almost never.
Mitch I grew up watching my oldest brother be taken adavage of and could not say no to people and they hurt him because of it. I heard him say I just have too. I am nice but when I found out that anyone used me I can get really angry. In later years I usually do not yell. I just tell them in a firm voice what they did too me. When I was younger I got in 2 bigs fights. I won not proud of it. Just saying.
It’s a terrible thing that some will take advantage of nice people, thinking they can get away with anything, then try to turn it on you when you catch on. I understand your brother but I learned early on how to tell most of the time when someone was trying to put one over on me. That didn’t go well back then, and luckily it doesn’t go well now. I’m glad you stand up for yourself while still being nice; there’s not enough “nice” in the country now to let the users get us down. 🙂
Mitch,
At our age I would think it happens more often. Isn’t it interesting how we think? Seriously, I just don’t think some people know how to appreciate kindness because they probably haven’t experienced much of it in their lives. If you were never loved and appreciated as a child, you certainly won’t recognize it as an adult. Therefore, kindness is viewed as a sign of weakness–it means you’re a pushover because the only sign of strength some people ever see is being a meanie.
That is something, isn’t it Bev? In a way, it’s like how it seems younger women don’t want nice guys because they see them as less exciting, yet eventually many of them reach an age where they say they want someone more trustworthy and loyal, and those same guys are usually there waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to them.
Mitch,
I’m not sure how old you are, but you sure make a lot of sense. I’m 57 yrs. old, and I could say I’ve been around the block more than couple of times as well, and it’s really amazing how some of these people doesn’t have a clue, how easy it is to some of us, to recognize these certain kind of people. They don’t realize that the $20.00 I let them borrowed is simply just a test of their integrity.
I’m in my 50’s, and yes, we probably all deal with someone at different points in our lives that want to underestimate us. When we can work that to our advantage then it’s not so bad, but it’d probably be better if we didn’t have to deal with it at all.
The thing is, kindness is not valued by Western culture – or indeed any ‘developed’ or ‘developing’ nation’s culture.
For those who mistake kindness for weakness, it is not their fault that they do so. It is because they have been conditioned and taught that qualities such as competitiveness, dominance, aggression and ruthlessness are the key to success and power. The sad thing is they are probably not wrong because the very system in which our society operates, facilitates the success of those testosterone driven qualities.
It seems to me, the more a culture deviates from harmony with Nature, the more it becomes a society in which individuals feel the need to compete and therefore dominate one another.
The Bush people of the Kalahari desert in Africa are candidates for the gentlest people on Earth, amongst whom the killing of other human beings is virtually unknown.
Nature is truth :o)
Captain, I actually do think it’s the fault of people who make this mistake. It’s the same thing with underestimating the strength of an opponent or the intellect of someone you’ve just met. You put yourself in a bad place when you think someone else might not measure up to you; it’s pure arrogance. To me, people get what they deserve when they’re overconfident in dealing with someone they haven’t prepared themselves for.
Thank you for the reply Mitch.
I take on board what you say and agree to a point. I guess what I am saying is, that arrogance in cetain individuals is a symptom of an underlying insecurity problem, not a cause in itself.
In an ideal world, perhaps one should call out that person on their arrogance and ask, ‘Why are you like this?’ That is to flip that concept of weakness around and explain that their lack of respect and underestimation of the abilities of others, is actually the true weakness.
Interesting point Captain. In a way, it’s what I did with this post, a previous post before it, and later on when I had to go to court. I try to be nice to a fault but at a certain point I, like everyone else, has to show that we’re not to be taken advantage of or taken for granted.