How To Deal With A “Yeller”
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Dec 1, 2011
More than six years ago I wrote a post titled Expressing Anger; Not! The premise behind that post is a theme I've talked about over the years, that being that no leader has the right to yell at anybody in the workplace. What I've never covered is what to do if you work with or for someone who happens to be a "yeller". I'm going to cover that right now.
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I will mention this up front; most of the time when someone yells at you you're caught off guard. You're probably not expecting it, and may not have done anything wrong. We can never know what someone's reactions are going to be to outside stimuli and it's hard to always be prepared for that in every situation. For instance, say you are walking next to someone and accidentally hit them in the nose without knowing you did it. If they start yelling you may not have expected it, but when you think about it after they told you what happened you could probably say "yeah that made sense", even though they still shouldn't do it.
But in the workplace, some managers believe that they can get away with pretty much anything. A lot of them have never developed the skills on how to effectively communicate with others, and thus sometimes the behaviors that they exhibit are horrendour. The act of yelling at somebody is extremely egregious, because the manager never really knows what the consequences might be from that action. A person could hit them, or walk out, or start crying. Only the last one is a position of dominance, and if a manager has to go that route to be dominant they need to go, period. There are other reactions as well; how many stories do we see concerning employees that go on shooting rampages?
Having said that, and acknowledging that those types of managers will probably always exist, I decided to give you this one main tip for how to handle it. You have to do it exactly this way, and I'm going to explain why as I tell you what to do.
If someone starts yelling at you, let them finish their rant. Then take about 10 to 15 seconds just to stare at them. Don't say anything during that time, and try not to look angry, although if you look angry it's not necessarily a bad thing because the manager is expecting either anger or tears. Then say something to them along the lines of "I am an adult, not a child, and I expect you to address me in a more adult fashion."
Here's the reasons why you need to do it this way. One, if you try to interrupt the person while they're yelling they're only going to yell more, and then you're going to probably start to yell, and nothing's going to get accomplished. Two, once they've finished yelling, you're probably going to need at least 10 to 15 seconds to compose yourself so that when you make your statement it will come out in a professional manner. Three, it's best to address the behavior rather than the complaint first because the behavior is more unacceptable than anything the manager has to say, even if you have royally messed up.
Doing this will cause an action every time. The majority of the time it's going to defuse the situation and give you and the manager a little time to cool down before conversation proceeds. It might even get you an apology, although I wouldn't count on that all the time. Sometimes the manager might continue yelling, at which point you have to start looking at your options. Depending on the company you're working at you can report them, you can walk out on them, you can quit your job, or you can stand there and take it.
Personally, I've never been a "stand there and take it" type of person, and I'm giving advice that I only had to use twice, but I did have to use it. Both times it worked to my advantage, and luckily both times I was in the right, and my hope is that it didn't work because I'm a big guy. At least one of the times the person I directed it at was bigger than me, but he backed down and apologized.
As Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. Even if we've done something wrong, we have to be willing to stand up for ourselves to be treated like adults. And nobody ever said that managers are always right, or in the right; I've certainly never said that.
Another portion of good tips, Mitch. I must admit that I have yell several times on my workers. Quite often to my workers in China and once to a weasel, because I’ve heard that he was talking behind my back for matter which is beyond his comprehension. And guess what in the eyes of boss it was my fault, well soon after that, may be several month I’ve left the company, the “weasel” became manager, 3 months later the company bankrupt. My 2 year managing this company produce more than 500% growth which was destroyed in just few months.
Getting back to anger and yelling, I personally think it depends. The first case in China, those were silly mistakes due to lack of practice and education and honestly I haven’t put any anger in this, but just tried to prevent fatal accident, as we were working with power tools and machines, but in the 2nd case and if I fall again in the same situation, I am sure that I will do the same.
Carl, I never yell at anyone, and I could probably get away with it. All it takes is for one person to snap to make you realize it was the wrong tactic. In today’s world, some people aren’t going to take it and they’re going to come back at your wrong; why risk that?
I still think that it depends, but as well I must mention that we are different cultures and honesty I think the whole nation will react same way. It is quite complicated, another case that I can mention is that I’ve worked with person that had to disagree always, the worst thing is that this was the boss which actually doesn’t have enough experience or expertise. The tone was going always very high after 30 minutes trying to convince that something is right.
Carl, cultural differences are a much different thing. Since I’m in the U.S. I write primarily for American audiences; I do know that in some cultures it goes the other way.
Those were people who have always thought that yelling does good. The sad thing is that they are also the people who have great leadership qualities; if we take away their tendency to yell.
The tips you have shared is good enough to let those people know that there is an alternative way to express their sentiments aside from yelling. I like them, especially the part that you will remind them to address you in a matured manner.
However, it may not work for all managers and employees. A leader who is largely ignored needs to raise his voice to be noticed; some employees need somebody in their faces to be more effective.
Christopher, I’ve never raised my voice, but I got my point across in other ways. Action proves to be a much better motivator, positive or negative, than yelling any day.
Often people continue to disrespect us is because they became used to it and they think we are okay with it. Reminding them that what they are doing is offending can be a big help. I am not a “stand there and take it” type either. I had learned my lesson. Thank you for the reminder.
Glad to do it Brian; thanks.
Honestly, I don’t want to get yelled more especially if I have no mistake. But yes, there are lots of managers that are yelling like an angry lions. I just face them and let the yell in to my left earn and let it pass to the right and never think of what he/she said. Sometimes it’s annoying but that is life. Thank you for sharing the techniques. I believe that looking straight to the eye and telling him/her I am not a child is an effective method.
Thanks Allaina; I hope it works for you if you ever have to employ it. I couldn’t do your method I must admit.
About twenty years ago,when I was in the computer biz, a customer called me up and ranted on me for zero reasons. I listened, and when he was done, I asked him one question: “Dave, how can I help you today.” There was 10 seconds of silence, which is a long time. The rest of the convo was civil. And from that moment forward, for some reason, I became one of his best friends. My intuition has taught me whenever someone goes off on you for no reason at all, it usually means something of importance is going on in their lives. And it has nothing to do with you.
Steve, I have let customers go on their rants because I knew it wasn’t about me; I often think that’s easy to deal with. It’s when it really is about you that things get tougher. Great stuff.
Yelling helps no one not even the person that does the yelling. It only shows is lack of conroll and his ability to understand the other person. A patient an calm person could achieve so much more by empowering,motivating, understanding and recognizing that people do make mistakes and use these process to help thoses within their supervision become the best version of themselve. Yelling Condemns and destroys the dignity of person at the receiving end.
Great stuff Jonathan, and I agree with you on this one. Loss of control impacts the person and how others perceive that person, and it’s never good except for football coaches. lol
As a supervisor of our company, I sometimes yelled at my subordinates, most especially when I’m fed up when I already instructed them what to do and not do. I don’t know why people sometimes had the tendency to ignore simple instructions. For that matter, I yelled. For me, it’s the only way they will listen to me and to be attentive of what I am telling them. I know it’s not right, but to tell you, after I yelled at them, I explain why I have to do it with them. And I let them know that I don’t took it personally.
Brenneth, thanks for your contribution. There are many dangers in yelling at other people. One, just because you don’t take things personally doesn’t mean someone else won’t. Two, those that do take it personally might try to sabotage you. Three, someone just might decide to take more drastic measures; we always hear of fights and people bringing weapons into the work place and… well, you know. In this day and age, I’d never risk my life in that way because you never really know the people you’re dealing with, so why antagonize them, and why take a chance on the unknown?
Yelling in a business environment does not really work effectively. It tend to destroy the mral of the employee. A better approach would open discussion and agrement at least twice try understand and motive the employee. After that a calm approach to disciplinary action should be used before deciding to on whether to terminate. Remember that a failed employee in most cases is representative of your selection process as well as your inability to motive and empower the individual.
Good step by step points Charles. Having a process in how to deal with employees is much better than going off on people and exposing yourself and your company to problems no one wants to deal with.