Controlling Your Emotions
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Feb 1, 2012
There are constant pressures all of us have to deal with. It seems like almost every day there’s something that we have to overcome in order to get through the day. Whereas we all have to work through different types of issues, there is one constant that is paramount; we must work hard to keep control of our emotions.
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As someone who only yells and loses total control during Syracuse Orange basketball games, I feel that I have pretty good control of my emotions most of the time. But I’m no different than any other person. There are times when external events exhibit emotions I’m not always ready for. I get caught off guard by something, and I don't react as well as I believe I should. If I didn’t have emotions at all, I’d be a robot, and I’m nowhere close to it.
Learning how to work through our emotions, or how to regain control over them when negative forces attack, is vital to being able to maintain a consistency and comfort level that we all wish to have in our lives, and that I'm sure others wish we had as well. Learning how to harness some of that negative energy and turn it into a positive force is what separates the strong from the weak, the rich from the poor, and the effective from the inefficient. It gives one the power to control their own lives, without allowing someone or something else to overcome them for any length of time.
First, let’s look at ways that negative emotions might impact your life.
One, they might make you one of those people who yells at others. That’s obviously not good because it elicits strong and negative emotions in others, and shuts down communication; it could also get you hurt or even killed.
Two, they might make you withdraw and not talk at all, which also shuts down communication. When you decide not to communicate with others, it's hard to get work done.
Three, they might make you immobile, not wanting to do anything at all, which effectively shuts down any positive work or fun you might have thought about trying to do. This is a type of depression that's hard to overcome.
Four, they might make you lose concentration, which means that even if you try to work through them, your work will possibly suffer, either by not being accurate or your not being efficient. You'll hear a lot of people say they work better when they're angry; most of them are wrong.
There are people who actually work better under great periods of stress. Edgar Allen Poe wrote many of his books in one or two weeks. Mozart was known to take only 2 or 3 weeks to compose some of his works. Johann Bach, one of the most prolific composers in history (and father of 23; talk about prolific), often had only a week to write massive works for performance, for fear of losing his job.
These are exceptions to the rule. Most of us don’t do as well, even if we believe we do, under constant pressure. A once in awhile deadline is one thing; as a daily event, it’s another. How do you handle the stressful situations in your life? How do you feel they impact others in the way you handle them? What types of changes can you make in your life to help you deal with these issues in the most efficient way possible?
Extreme emotional trauma does not count when we’re talking about emotions. There’s no way to prepare for things such as the passing away of a family member, or someone being in an accident. These are events that are hard to prepare for, and worrying about them doesn’t do any good because one never knows how they’re going to react. The only thing one can do in instances such as these is to try to realize that they’re not alone, and that there’s always a place to find help for whatever is needed.
Most people don’t take the time to figure out why they react to certain stimuli. If you’re the type who gets depressed because someone says something you don’t like, you need to take the time to figure out why it causes distress. Is there a modicum of truth to what the person said, or does it generate memories from your past? Is your mindset in a negative place and suddenly your feelings of inadequacy are enhanced? Are you the type trying to be perfect and doesn’t like hearing anything negative about your work? Do you allow feelings such as jealousy or envy or even a lack of self confidence to make you more susceptible to negative input?
Most of the time, we can not only provide the answers to the whys, but also the resolutions to them. For instance, if you don’t like how someone says something to you, it’s your right and responsibility to say something to that other person, or ignore them and go away. If you’re trying to attain perfection, you have to realize that no one or no thing will ever be perfect, and deal with it. If you get depressed because of outside forces, you must realize that you’re the one who’s really in control and deal with it however you must.
What can you do to work your way through depression? We’re all allowed a little bit of time to live in that moment, but we must break out of it eventually.
If you can’t do it for yourself, and not everyone can, what outlets do you have to help you? Maybe you need a coach or a counselor or a confidante. Maybe you need more activities such as exercise, or clubs, or maybe even something as simple as getting in the car and going for a short drive. Maybe you’re the type who needs to write it all out, kind of a catharsis, in order to put things in order.
Whatever it is, realize that almost no one permanently loses control of their situations and emotions. Some people are better at it than others; some need help. Don’t be ashamed, no matter how you decide to work through some of your issues.
If you’re the type who usually yells at others, you need to get over yourself and control it. I tend to believe that there are always consequences to overly negative behavior, and anything that happens to you that’s bad because of this behavior is your fault. I’m not saying you deserve to be killed if you yell at someone, but you probably brought whatever reaction you got on yourself. Adults don’t have a right to yell at other adults in almost any situation, unless it’s for that other person’s benefit or safety. If you’re this type, you need to learn how to channel that flash of anger differently.
This is a very nice post. I can relate on this. Sometimes even you want to control your temper, there will come a point that it will burst even though you don’t want to do it. I think it’s a human instinct.
Thanks Doris. It can be hard to control one’s temper but it’s imperative that one try. And if you can’t then it’s imperative that you respond properly because fail once and it’s never forgotten. The best thing I can say about the few times I got angry in a work situation is that I never yelled at anyone.
I think this is absolutely true about women and I think it stems from our empathetic and nurturing natures. It is not that we consciously hide our emotions but most women always think of the other person first and how they will be affected by what we do or say. This is in contrast to men who are more egocentric and able to easily voice their feelings without regard to the effect on the parties involved.
That’s an interesting statement Marjorie. I’m not sure I totally agree, having mainly worked with women through most of my business life, but in general I think most people fight to control their emotions or how they show them when times get intense.
It’s very hard for most people to control their emotions. I mean, they’ve been practicing this behavior all their lives. I’ve done almost a 180 on the emotional reaction front vs. when I was in my 20’s or 30’s. It’s called Emotional Intelligence. To change, you must be intentional about the change you want to see. The shift is easier with consistent practice. Simply hit the pause button once you receive stimuli. Breathe, contemplate, then respond.
Good point Steve, people have to want to change the behavior. Actually, I think I was calmer when I was younger because I didn’t have close to the types of pressures I sometimes have now. I know I had better control overall back then, except when it came to SU basketball games, where I have infinitely better control now. lol
It’s pretty clear that losing your temper has bad consequences. That doesn’t mean, however, that we need to suppress our opinions – Confrontation is a normal part of everyone’s life. I’ve been in far too many meetings where important decisions aren’t made because someone is afraid of a few ruffled feathers.
I can agree with that one Troy, and then later they’re complaining because they didn’t support the position to begin with but never said anything. In those cases there’s nothing you can do except tell the person to speak up next time.
Controlling emotion is critical, especially for manager. I have never been a person that was able to control my emotions completely, probably because I am taking everything regarding work very personal which I don’t think is weakness, but exactly the opposite. Yelling doesn’t lead to any good, but sometimes is necessary.
Carl, I’d disagree with that. I never once yelled at anyone at work, nor have I ever yelled at anyone in my personal life. Now, I will admit that I’ve gotten my point across in other ways, but never by yelling because you can’t take that back.
You have been lucky, Mitch but I doubt that you have work in manufacturing or abroad. When you are responsible for life of people in a factory and when somebody tread their live with some inadequate action, for sure you will yell.
Carl, I worked in hospitals and had people reporting to me that sometimes had to deal with infectious diseases; talk about life threatening. The thing is that yelling would have only made those people nervous; yelling always puts people off their game. It’s like beating children, which almost no one does in this country anymore. There’s no excuse for it, and if someone decides to take action against you because you yelled at them, that’s your fault, even if they end up losing their job. At least that’s how I see things.
Words to Live by, Mitch. Over the last few years, I’ve working to block out and keep as calm as possible, if only because in the world of business and IT, where your ability to think clearly through problems is your bread and butter, angry and other negative emotions do little more than slow your down and cloud your judgement.
Thanks Calvin. I remember we used to talk about this sort of thing years ago. It’s not always easy but it’s imperative in every situation to keep control of one’s emotions, although there are always extenuating circumstances in stressful times.