An Argument Is Not A Discussion
Posted by Mitch Mitchell on Mar 29, 2017
Usually when I write a post on a diversity issue I get few people to comment, let alone read it. That's why last week's post about privilege & cultural appropriation stood out because not only did it get a couple of comments but it got me talking to a few people on Twitter.
The first person I talked to is someone I know locally. We had a nice discussion where, I hope, we both got to talk and listen to each other (thanks Ben).
Just as our conversation ended someone else jumped in and was kind of on the attack mode. I didn't mind it initially because there are people who don't believe in diversity initiatives or the concept of cultural appropriation; I never expect everyone to agree with me. However, he kept getting a bit more belligerent until he finally said that I obviously didn't have a real argument because I didn't answer his question... which of course I did.
Being me, I decided to look at his Twitter profile and stream to see how he talked to people in general. I noticed that he was an attacker, which is an interesting style but rarely produces good results. Badgering someone's position never works, and dismissing them when they respond to your questions is not only rude, but it's argumentative; frankly, I don't waste my time talking to people like that for long.
I finally responded to him saying that exact thing, then decided to block him. It wasn't worth my time to continue on a discussion that wasn't going to end with either of us being happy. The funny thing is that as I was ending that conversation someone else asked a question about it, and he and I exchanged a few messages, once again a discussion, and we ended it with a better understanding of each other.
I'm not someone who likes arguing all that often. I'm not an angel, so every once in a while, if I'm in a mood or a subject is touchy to me, I might argue for a while, but there's always a point where, if it goes on too long, I'll recognize it's a loop situation and pull away from it. The book Crucial Conversations talks about those times when one needs to have a dialogue to clear things up, especially when people have to interact with each other over time, but in almost every case of mine I might never see or hear from those people again.
Yet, there are some people who love arguing, to the extent that it becomes the only way they know how to talk to others. It doesn't matter whether or not it's productive; they'd rather browbeat someone into submission than actually learn something about another person's position. I wondered why that is, so I decided to see what I could find.
I came across an article titled PsychTests Study Reveals Why Certain People Tend to Pick Fights, which was put together by Larry Buford and figured it was a perfect source because instead of using just opinions it has some actual statistics. It was based off a group of people taking as emotional intelligence test by a group called PsychTests. Let's look at a few results:
* Argumentative people have less impulse control (score of 51 vs. 67 on a scale from 0 to 100)
* Argumentative people have low self-esteem (score of 56 vs. 77)
* Argumentative people are less content with their life (score of 52 vs.72)
* Argumentative people have a more negative mindset (score of 58 vs. 74)
* Argumentative people are less skilled at resolving conflict (score of 55 vs. 66)
There are a lot more stats and a bit more detail in the argument so I recommend you check it out if you're interested. I'll offer the caveat that it's not totally scientific, but it's still pretty good. Maybe you'd like this video instead, which, interestingly enough, got both discussions and arguments in its comments lol:
https://youtu.be/JTN9Nx8VYtk
Since that's out of the way, let's figure out how we can make conversations a bit more productive and move from arguments to discussions:
1. Know your position
Many people get themselves into a conversation without knowing what they're talking about or not taking the time to do any research. When that happens, all they can do to support their decision is shout the other side down. Winning isn't everything is there's nothing to be accomplished.
2. Have a reason to care
There are a lot of people who try to get me into a discussion or argument about something I don't care anything about. Luckily, I'm someone who will say I don't care and will immediately get out of the discussion, no matter what the other person might want to do.
Argumentative people will automatically take the other side and a battle's going to ensure. Feelings will be hurt and emotions will be tested. Frankly, no one has time for that kind of pointless diatribe so if you really don't care about the issue try to leave it alone and walk away.
3. Listen before challenging
Often when an argument ensues it's because people are already set to respond to a person's side of the justification rather than what they're actually saying. These days it happens more often online because it's hard to know the tense a person's words have without any type of emoji or not knowing the other person all that well.
It's always best to make sure one listens, or reads, to what's exactly being said by the other person before making a response. Sometimes it might involve asking some clarifying questions to make sure you know whether what you have to say is necessary or not, especially since sometimes language can be very imprecise.
We can't always hide from times of distress when certain conversations come upon us. The best we can do is be perspicacious in what we want to put our time into or what's best to leave alone. These days I'm looking for more peace in my life, so I'd rather have discussions than arguments. Is this you? Would you like it to be?
(the link with the light blue line denotes an affiliate link if you'd like to check out the book)
Hi Mitch:
I like your approach and comments on this topic. I normally (almost all the time) go “mum” with no response. My (25 yrs) supervisor tried hard to make me upset with silly/irrelevant reasons on my R&D conclusions. Without any comment I asked him, Ok, now give me samples of your product you know (Control and Test).With my analytical method I identified correctly and also provide their precise composition. He became by Best Boss and we obtained 7 patents, me as a Primary inventor and he as co-inventor. Some patents resulted in creating multi billion $$ divisions. We remained best friends for ever.
This is one of the Best of your blogs.
Thanks for your comment Danny. Of course, you’re built of stronger stuff than I am most of the time. I’m usually finding that I have to remember to keep a bit of control and channel it in a much different way; luckily I’m pretty good at it, but I do have my moments.
It’s taken a lot of years to get to where I am now as it regards arguments and discussions. I’m now doing the “quiet” thing like what you mentioned, and I find that there are people who don’t like it. Tough to be them, because I’m not playing that game. 🙂
I have dealt with too many people who want to argue for argument’s sake for two many years to get pulled into their agenda. I believe they are entitled to their opinion and unless someone will be hurt by their “opinion” I won’t engage. If they want to argue so much, they should have been lawyers and receive payment. Don’t waste my precious time.
Good, one, Mitch!
Thanks Miss Sue, and welcome to the blog. 🙂 I’ve lost my taste for trying to force my opinion on anyone; it only took 50 years or so. lol I’m with you; as long as no one’s really being hurt I’d rather turn away, leave and let someone else argue. Discussions, though; I’m all for that.
I have managed excessively numerous individuals who need to contend to keep the conversation going for two numerous years to get maneuvered into their motivation. I trust they are qualified for their supposition and unless somebody will be harmed by their “feeling” I won’t lock in. In the event that they need to contend so much, they ought to have been legal advisors and get installment. Try not to squander my valuable time.
Great, one, Mitch!
I’ve been relatively lucky over all my years. I’ve always offered open discussions, but everyone in the room knew who was in charge. The only rules were we spoke to each other with decorum and we never got personal. Of course people are people, so sometimes it still happened. But overall it was managed quite nicely.
Really like the position you state here. I think today the third point you mentioned really is such an important one. Modern media makes people blind and deaf. It surely has been a while since I read a proper discussion on e.g. political posts on facebook… People just tend to not listen to others and simply want to defend only THEIR position, instead of listening and then replying, causing only weird exchange or arguments that don’t really refer to previous comments or poisitons. If we all would listen more and accept the best instead of only defending the own arguments, we would probably live in a better world…
Thanks for the article and greetings from Germany! 😉
I think politics and religion are two subjects it’s normally not worth arguing about, let alone trying to have a legitimate discussion about. I stopped talking about it last September and I’d actually stopped watching the news a couple of years earlier because I was allowing it all to upset me. If I was in a position to actually do something it might be different, but since I’m not I’d rather not have any of that messing with my head.
Well you might be right about it not being an easy topic to argue about, but I think it is worth the effort – definitely depending on the situation and the person you talk with. I don’t do so in the internet either. Would agree on religion, though. Religion obviously is based on believing something, which doesn’t really allow for a proper discussion based on rational arguments…
As you can imagine, these days in the U.S. any discussion on politics often ends up in a fight… sometimes physical. I try to get away from political topics as quickly as I can.