How We Get Along

Today is my wife and my tenth wedding anniversary. This means that we've beaten 33% of all couples in America that get married; I can live with that. One would think the number as being much higher based on how the media and television shows portray it, but it's obviously not as bad as it's been made out to be.

Back in the days before I got married, many people tried to tell me that I would have to change my demeanor once I got married. Not that I had a bad demeanor; matter of fact, most people loved working with, and for me. But many of them thought that, once someone got married, they had to become someone else. They said that a management style of coming to an agreement wouldn't work, that, in marriage, women would usually end up on the winning side of an argument, and that I was going to have to get used to that, since I usually won most work disagreements.

I found that lack of faith and understanding in how the sexes get along with each other greatly disconcerting at the time. I'd mainly worked with women, and I had never had any problems in working with them. As a matter of fact, most of the time that I would have a disagreement where I might end up having to pull rank, during a time when there wasn't a consensus to be had, was with men. Yet, even then, I never raised my voice or lost my temper, at least visibly; I just went ahead and did what I knew was right, because, if I didn't know it was right, then I was always open to possibly changing my mind.

In ten years, my wife and I have never had a true argument. We've never raised our voices towards each other, never thrown anything across a room, never kicked a dog,... nothing. We haven't always agreed on everything from the beginning, but in our own way we've either come to some kind of mutual decision or tabled the discussion until we each had more time to ponder what the other has said in support of their position. Truthfully, it's pretty much the same way I've always gone through business, and the only main differences in the two situations is that one possibly has more of an emotional attachment to it than the other.

In other words, the naysayers were incorrect. I've written often that there may be a different way that a person will interact with people in some matters at work as opposed to their personal lives, but overall, it's best for a manager or leader to be themselves at all times, whether they are at work or at home. As a for instance, I can be honest and direct in a work situation, yet still be courteous enough to not hurt people's feelings, and I can be the same way in my personal life when I need to be. Yet, in a work situation, I will offer my opinions on issues that might affect the entire organization and I'm not afraid to stand out from beyond the crowd, yet in my personal life I might go to a party and not talk to anyone unless spoken to first because I don't want to intrude. Yet, once I'm talking with someone, I'm exactly the same person. All that changes are the parameters of the interaction; the importance of one over the other isn't at stake as much as the reality that, as Mr. Spock might say, in the workplace the decisions affect the many, whereas at a party, the actions only affect the one, or the few.

Many years ago, before I got into management, there was an overall office manager who had a fairly bad management style. She was overly aloof to every person who worked under her, yet overly effusive towards anyone in a position superior to hers. Where she'd have supervisors reporting to her spying on each other and running to her to tell on each other, she couldn't wait to share whatever information she could with her superiors, even if they didn't ask. Personally, I wasn't sure what I thought about her, because, though I saw how she treated everyone else, every morning she said hello to me; maybe it was because I was the only male there.

Anyway, years later, when I was working for another hospital, I saw her at an event for directors who belonged to an organization that I later became president of. This was the first time I'd ever seen her outside of any regular hospital function. She was a totally different person; very engaging, full of stories, and actually wasn't all that bad a person. I was amazed at the change, and I wondered why, and how, she could be two totally different people. I knew that if she exhibited even a little bit of this particular personality that the efficiency of her department would probably drastically increase, because then her supervisors could spend more of their time actually trying to lead those who reported to them, rather than trying to find ways to ingratiate themselves towards her. It was obvious that she enjoyed the attention that a high level position will give you, but I'm imagining that earning the attention rather than demanding it would have been much more satisfactory.

There was an article written by Jan Here of Oregon State University in 1996 that listed reasons on what keeps spouses attracted to one another in long marriages. Though I'm not going to list them all, look at these reasons below and see how they're as applicable to business as they are to personal relationships:

• Trusting and confiding in one another


• Respecting and valuing each other


• Expressing feelings to one another


• Expressions of understanding and support


• Encouraging independence in one another


• Expression of contentment and appreciation

Aren't those fairly good recommendations for how people should work with each other? Aren't these the types of answers we'd expect from employees if we asked them what would make going to work a more pleasant experience for both employee and employer?

They're pretty good recommendations for life also. I hope everyone takes them to heart, and lives a very contented life.