Dealing With Grief

On September 11, 2001, it felt like my life had been turned upside down. I watched on television with horror as the second plane hit the World Trade Center, not knowing that it wasn't a replay of the first one. I was watching when the towers came down, and I kept watching for the next two days. I couldn't even sleep, so I didn't go to bed over that time period either. Finally, about 60 hours later, I knew it was time to pull myself away from the television, or at least all news part of television (which was on every channel anyway), and I pulled out the DVD of the movie "Independence Day" and went to the scene where the president gives a pep talk to the pilots that have been recruited to fight the aliens one last time. This is that speech:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind. Mankind -- that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps its fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution -- but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:

"We will not go quietly into the night!

We will not vanish without a fight!

We're going to live on!

We're going to survive!

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!"

It may seem like an odd thing to do, but I had finally come to my senses and realized that I had to step away, get away for just a little while, and regain control of my life again. I was never scared or fearful of anything; I was mad and angry and I wanted to get at someone. I wanted to hear someone say something that would make me feel better, and this was the route I decided to go. And I did feel better after that scene. Then I started the movie from the beginning and watched the entire thing, and I actually watched that movie a few more times over the next couple of days, something that's very rare for me to do, but I needed it so I could get back to life in some fashion. Outside of having something happen to a family member, I had never been so depressed.

Part of my problem is that I was alone during the day. It had only been a few months that I'd started working for myself, and my wife still had to go to work every day. I didn't have anyone to commiserate with, though I did talk with my parents here and there. However, I'm not sure there's anything that anyone could have said to me to make me feel any differently at the time. I wasn't even sure I could have said the proper words to anyone else at the time. I still feel I was somehow lucky, living in New York state, that I didn't end up knowing anyone who was killed on that day.

One thing that most managers are bad at is finding ways to help people get through difficult situations, including grief. Sometimes managers try to empathize; sometimes they try to help by telling people they know what they're going through; sometimes they try to ignore the entire situation because they're not strong enough to deal with the topic themselves. Everyone deals with grief differently, whether it's their own or someone else's, based on their background and beliefs, but when one is in a leadership position, sometimes that person has to be ready to take one for the team in some fashion, step up to the plate, and at least try to do the right thing. Below are some things that I believe you can try when faced with dealing with grief, both your own and someone else's:

1. Don't tell someone you know what they're going through unless you really do. If you've never had a parent pass away or lost a child, you can't identify with someone who's presently going through it. It almost never comforts the person hearing it unless it did happen to you, and you can tell your story. If they already know your story and you say it, there's usually some kind of bond that will connect both of you and help ease the mind for a little while.


2. Be honest with your feelings. If you're the type who gets emotional with someone else's loss, go with it, and if you feel it's necessary try to communicate those feelings to the person going through the loss. Being an only child, when I was a manager I always felt this sense of fear whenever I learned that someone's parent had passed away because it was always my greatest fear. My honest response at the time was "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm not sure how I would react right now, but do whatever you feel is necessary."


3. Allow other employees time to share in the grief. Whether co-workers are extremely close or not, one person's loss is an entire department's loss. Expecting it to be business as usual for everyone except the person most directly affected is unrealistic. Being the one to start up a collection of some kind for the grieving employee is a strong and positive first step, and helps to bring everyone together, while showing everyone that you can be compassionate.


4. When it's a large scale tragedy, allow everyone time and space to deal with the situation in their own way. I remember the day of the Challenger disaster and the bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma City as well as what happened at the World Trade Center, and people who weren't personally affected felt as though they were. Everyone wanted to hear the news to find out what was going on, and employees were allowed to do so. There were some people who were able to keep working, who weren't affected, and that's fine also because not everyone can identify with something that doesn't personally touch them. But for those it does touch, allow them the time to get a hold on their feelings.


5. If it's your personal grief and you're the leader, remember that you're a human being also and that you're allowed to express your feelings just like anyone else. There is never one standard that every person is supposed to fall into when they're dealing with their feelings, and that includes you. If you need to talk to someone, do it. If you need to stay home, do it. Just make sure when you're doing it that you've allowed the same courtesies in the past to the people who report to you.

On this 7th anniversary, there were numerous television shows on recalling the events of the day. There was film and audio of what went on, different people retelling their tales once more. I found that, even seven years later, I wasn't ready to go back to that. If this, as well as my dad's passing just over six years ago, is still strongly on my mind, just imagine how something just as powerful in someone else's life might affect them. Goodness, how is it affecting you? Let's try to be good to each other, and as compassionate as humanly possible when needed.